Sometimes I intentionally take my vision out of focus and try to keep on moving through the world. I give myself a blurred perception and I observe how this changes me. As I’m walking through the white-out Colorado winter, I take in each individual flake as it glides into my line of sight, but with eyes unfocused the sensation is not that I walk among the snowflakes, but rather that I am one of them. For just a moment, there is a family of like beings all around me and my entire body becomes warm. This, I imagine, is what a community feels like.
Only when I blur my mind can I ever feel alike with those around me. Every time I discover some new piece of myself, I feel farther and farther away from everyone else. I try to numb myself, focus less on the situation, and imagine that we are all snowflakes together; each one unique, but working to create the storm.. but my mind only stays docile so long and I can name twenty four places I’ve felt alone in the last twenty four hours. Isolation is a stronghold and sometimes I feel like a prisoner.
I am embarrassed to admit I am too embarrassed to do things that might actually leave me feeling fulfilled. I crowd myself in fear and shelter myself from truth, as some supposed safe haven and in this way, I am like those around me… but this fact plagues me and my worst nightmares become my realities as I watch myself slowly slip away.
I, more than most, need to know I can be the wind. I need to know you can see in me the freedom, and let be. I need to hear that you’ve burned down your birdhouses and sold all your cages to those who have not yet moved on. I need to know I’m not broken, no matter how long I’m wrong. I need to know that you love me wild, crazy, restless, and knowing I must run, love me even when I leave. I need to be. I need to be loved in a way that leaves me free for being.
March 23rd, 2015